If you want to boost your 401(k), take my advice. Put all of your money into companies that make reading glasses. (*)

No, not prescription glasses like you would get from Dr. Lantz. It’s the reading glasses available at stores and sold at places you wouldn’t consider selling them.

I’ve learned that because of the number of pairs I have purchased since meeting Dr. Lantz some six years ago.

Last week I purchased pair number 918,732,654.

I was pretty proud of myself for being one of the few of my immediate family who didn’t need glasses while growing up. My joke, one I milked for decades, was the only eye exam I had is the one you take when you renew your driver’s license.

That’s really not a joke. It’s truth.

But I got to a point where I couldn’t crack that joke anymore. Someone asked me to write the joke on paper and I couldn’t read my own handwriting because of my vision problems.

I then met Dr. Lantz. What a coincidence.

He did a great job of determining I needed reading glasses. I do have a prescription pair from him. He suggested that if I wanted another pair, I didn’t necessarily need another prescription pair, but to go to a crop fertilizer store and find a pair of readers since it seems like every store imaginable sells reading glasses.

No, I didn’t actually go to a place that sells agriculture chemicals to find readers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually did. It’s kind of like when you purchase a different car; you realize how popular the car is by seeing other people drive the same make and model. Since I’ve used reading glasses, I’ve noticed how popular racks of reading glasses are for sale.

“I’ll take those tires for the pickup, some brake pads and I like that pair of 2.0 you have back there,” I’ve said.

Since using reading glasses, mainly for work and at home reading the Yellow Pages for reading glasses, I’ve lost my fair share. Or I’ve worn them out. The nose rest things can hurt my nose.

Or I’ve sat on them in the car. Or on a chair in the living room.

Or I panic since I think I lost a pair and have to immediately go to a store and buy another pair.

“We’ll have a salad bar, supreme pizza and those dark brown frames on those readers look great. How much?”

It’s to the point wife Jennifer is worn out of my panic attacks when I lose them and she has asked me repeatedly to find a nice pair and then get one of those necklace things to attach them to. That way I can hang them around my neck and always know where they are at and not have to worry about losing them. Or sitting on them.

I haven’t done that because I am still horrified by the story a friend of mine told me years ago. His wife once purchased a pair of high dollar sunglasses. One day while out in public she used the women’s room and those sunglasses were hanging from her front collar. While in the stall, she turned, bent over….and let’s just say she didn’t walk out with the sunglasses.

So my fear is my readers will fall off the necklace and I’m off to the insurance office to see the reading glasses they have for sale.

If I did, I will use a dog leash for a St. Bernard as a necklace to make sure the leash doesn’t fall off me.

No, wait. Do you remember the episode of “Andy Gtiffith” when he had Barney use a chain for his dog tags just so the chain would add to his weight and he would qualify for deputy standards? I’ll use a chain like that. More secure.

I don’t have to worry about the weight. But I do need my readers to see how much I weigh. Now there’s a time I wish I would lose my readers.

I have my prescription glasses for home use. I also have a pair of readers I use only for my desktop computer at home. But those are my least favorite and I haven’t figured out yet why I haven’t lost those. I wish I would lose those so I could get new ones, but that would also mean I would have to again hear my wife’s fire-and-brimstone sermon to me that I need to buy the necklace thing.

When I can’t find the ones I travel with I take the home ones with me instead. Anxiety levels increase immensely for fear I will lose them and be willing to sell the car to replace those.

I have not lost my prescription glasses because I took Lantz’ offer of putting a homing device on them like one of the gadgets you would see in a James Bond movie from the early 1980s. (Lantz is a great doctor, but he doesn’t sell homing devices to be attached to reading glasses. But knowing how much I paid for them I try my darndest not to lose them I would consider that.)

Can you imagine how much I’d pay, with no questions asked, for a new pair of prescription readers?

So when the day comes you see Dow Jones break 36,000, it’s because of me.

(*) any financial advice in this column is not to be taken seriously.

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